Posted in fiction, Writing


What do you say, when you know what exactly what I really feel? do you have any idea what is it like to be the worst enemy of your own self? to be feared of what you think? To be afraid of noises inside your head? What should I do to feed these thoughts so they won’t be able to come to the surface and scares me?? Do you even reckon what is it like to be annoyed by the way people thinking? They didn’t even utter a word, but you REALLY distracted by the way they thinking? Is that normal? Do I live my life in a normal way? the way it’s supposed to be?

I am really afraid of myself, do you know what it’s like? fear of what you think.. sounds mental and irrational, doesn’t it? but that’s the truth I AM REALLY AFRAID OF MYSELF, I am afraid of what I will do, what I will think, what I will say, how I will react.. if I am the enemy of my own, what am I to the others?

People these days will see me as a weirdo, sociopath, schizophrenia or even insane.. “oh dear, it’s just the effect of depression.. you have some illnesses” but am not!!! AM NOT AT ALL.. I am depressed because I can’t help myself of thinking!! all the thoughts are like when you’re surrendered by the most dreadful ghosts and you can’t escape but fighting.. while on the other hand fighting doesn’t do any good at all, it just makes thing worse.

Living a life when there’s no safety feeling is SOMETHING BEYOND COMPREHEND

What do I do to make them less appear? what do I do to shut them down? what do I do to not becoming the worst enemy of myself? I turn the sail to the different course, I learn something new every day. Things people can’t do, I’ll do it! I learned languages just because it makes me feel I could solve something, I read books in unusual genres (more of them are detective themed, criminal, and serial killers) just because it helps me cope with my states.. neither mentioned above that I am really interest in.. in other words, if I fed these brain of mine with something beyond lines so I wouldn’t be the most dangerous person to myself

What exactly myself has done to me? that made me really afraid of being enemy of my own? well.. I bet you can’t stand the horror or you will simply judge me that am a real monster.. well, either way it won’t do any good if I just tell you what myself has done to me.. if I was able put in to human words it would be a “CUTS”

I never feel I will fit in the society, they won’t accept someone like me, do they? “no dear, we love you so much” said someone, “we are here for you at your worst” the other recited.. But it’s not that simple, it doesn’t go that way.. they think am weird and hard to reach, but am simply I can’t fit myself in any of the way this world goes

weird? sociopath? depression? anxiety? or simply proper genius? I can’t decide… I am wasted by the way I am now the thing I could figure out is I am simply not like the rest of human being, am not being a slob or bitchy about these all, I just really don’t get any idea who am I inside? Somehow I can’t follow the way my brain goes, neither the way it wants, fells like I’m living somebody else’s life and I was just a visitor… yes, the visitor in my own mind


Posted in Writing


Not everyone got a legacy to know you these more… haha sounds too much, eh? I just wanna write this

your kindness,

the way you talk,

the way you treat the other,

the way you smile,

the way you see the world,

the way you help the needed,

and the way you show me how much you put yourself in to the thing called “dreams”

don’t you know you’ve taught me how to survive and do everything I could imagine??

and that it is.. don’t blame me if I fall for you this crazily 😊

Posted in Writing

The Memoir of Once Was a Survived 


What if…
What if talking with somebody was only way leading to the devastated?

What if the only answer to all questions tucked in mind was leaving for good?

What if the way to be free was to feel nothing at all?

And, what if the death was the only way for person to feel at ease?

Was it wrong to have anxiety?

Was it wrong to live with depression?

Was it wrong to have a trust issue?

Why it was easy to point finger at someone just because of their suffers?

Why it was easy to say “I’m sorry” but loveless action later did?

Why it was easy to judge the victims just because their pain is invisible?

“you just made it up!”

“don’t be such a drama!”

“just let it be, that’s how people live”

Scars and sliced arms weren’t enough to picture the pain, but it was worth enough to set at ease, however it lasted for a sec

What was needed? judgmental words? point finger? loveless actions?

They didn’t care even the pain ripped you off layer by layer

They didn’t care even if you said you wanted the pain to stop by ending everything

They didn’t even get the point how your thoughts prisoned you

They did know nothing but MERE

They did know that life for the sufferers was life in imagination

They did know that even the blood and tears took a place, there’s no right for them to give a hand, because it was all just a FEELING

The feeling which could drive you to the endless pain… The endless ‘unseen’ pain, precisely said


Posted in Writing

A Strayed Maiden

She wants him, the person who had ruined her life

She wants him, the person who ripped off her freedom

She wants him, the person who broke her soul into pieces

She wants him, the person who labeled her dignity 

No, she doesn’t love him and it ain’t a love

No, she has no attachments towards him and it ain’t love

She assures

But yes she wants him…

Yes, she wants him to discipline her AGAIN

Yes, she wants him to make a chaos AGAIN

Yes, she wants to give him everything,  her bosoms to play around, her youth-purity to satisfy his abominable hunger

Yes, she wants the butterfly effect he caused where people looked at her as such a pet

And yes, she wants it! she wants her master

What was it if it ain’t love?

What was it if it ain’t attachments? 

No, She doesn’t love him

Yes, She wants him

He made her life full of wonder, wonder of never having a bright hope

He made her life like a paradise,  where the demonic angels sing the lament of being the maiden herself 

He made her spring to be the flood of thoughts that she barely escapes

Yes, she still wants him

No, she craves for him

The butterfly effect he caused towards her surrounding, swear to God she is craving it

The time she seduced him mastering her.. unless it was a breath she wanted it!

It got her blinded by the beam of his enthrall presence

She had been no longer herself inside

She got Stockholm inside, she knew it still she wants him

Nobody could save her from his realm but herself

Twisted story when she no longer trusts anyone but his utterances

Deep inside her old self weeping, tucked in the corner of the stage waiting for The White Knight when no one does

What a world when afterlife is the only place to have someone be at peace? the maiden went astray and she rethought to be saved

🍀 thanks for reading 

Posted in Writing

My Dearest, 

Where are you now?

Why did you just disappear?

Don’t you know how much I miss you?

Everyday you let me know what are you up to, both your ‘want to do’ and your ‘want to share with’ 

I realise how precious you are when you at apart

Would you know I’m so suffering here?

Everyday without you just nothing but a dead end

I lost my purpose

I lost my very role model

I lost someone who cheers me always

I lost your presence

I thought you might won’t be back to the way you were before and when the day encounters our path again

I’m afraid you won’t be the you are that I know.. 

The you that I know..

The you who always do all of you

The you who refuse to give up

The you who could see bright in tomorrow

The you who say “I don’t wanna lose my existence in ‘this world’! ”

No matter how hard and sorrow the ways to your dream

I know you won’t be able to fall on knees

I know lately seems hard to accept

You have been giving everything you have

Do what ever it takes

But end up with NOTHING?

I know it must be really hard..




Or maybe something I might barely understand

But my dearest dear… 

My dearest dear..

I love you no matter happens

No matter how huge the tempest you’ll face..

I’ll stay still by your side

I have made my mind

That day when I found you

I swore to myself no matter how hard it would be

Even you are dead tired of me..

I won’t..

Even a single step

I won’t step back from your side

No other ways to return back

Only step ahead remains

I’ll take everything to be by your side

I could discard everything just to be by your side

please come back


Why the more I reach out my hands towards you the more I feel I’ll lose you..

please hear my voice reaches out your name..

All of pain of losing you I put in this toneless sound..

“Come back please.. come back”

It’s not over my dear..

Tomorrow is still your fellow

Even you want to stop here

I’ll be staying by your side

Even you want to keep going

I’ll be there…

I know I have been selfish

That’s because I love you so much..

yours always,

Posted in Book

CAPTIVE IN THE DARK by CJ Roberts (Review) 

Good day, everybody

hhhhh it’s been really a while I kept my distance from blogging.. kinda sad tho, but I was so freaking having no time for myself.. but anyway.. the latest project I have been working on my blog was -A Silent Christmas- yieee!!!!! and before I post another chapter I’ll write a quick review about book I’ve read, and surprisingly this book was disturbingly enjoyable..😳😳 since I dunno how to choose a proper word to show you the big picture of this-reviewing-yet book

Well, without further ado, let’s see how it goes


By CJ Roberts

Like I mentioned earlier, this book was kind of disturbingly enjoyable, likewise on the market there’s a thousand variety of this book selling worldwide but things that made me so nailed with this one was the Stockholm’s syndrome theme and “the things make you human” I found this book at when I tried to dig in some books that could give me information about Stockholm’s syndrome, mind controller, freedom as a human being, well, kind of things.

So, I was captured by the cover… don’t get me wrong, some people will be determined what kind of books they intend to read based on the covers, doesn’t it? unlike them, even I saw the cover at first I’ll read the synopsis behind then go into the chapter one, if the book is ‘good enough’ (IMO) so, I’ll get it. Each individual has their own expectations and standard of their chosen books, some people like fantasy story and some people not, some people like soap opera romance and some people not.. wait, doesn’t it make it looks like a fetish?? 😱😱 lol

Captive in the dark (the dark duet) is the first book of this series written by CJ Roberts with the same main title, published in 2012. You can find the copy in amazon or

The story was talking about a sex slavery training… A WHAAATT???? 😱😳 YES! your eyes aren’t deceiving you, this book was indeed talking about sex slavery training, with a few points of BDSM, the ripped of human freedom, inhuman-human being, self-contradictory, the denial, and the most interesting part was The Stockholm’s syndrome, I highly DO NOT recommend this book to the young adults readers, at least 24+ if you brave enough to read almost one-third from all chapters were telling about slavery training.

It’s disturbing but also enjoyable, I mean it needs more than an open minded and bravery to read this book, unlike the other bdsm-theme-based books that still having a plot where the main protagonist still owning their freedom (except when they had intercourse with their “partner” and turned from hook up to the love romantic story) this book was kind of telling about ripping your (protagonist) human freedom until you feel no world outside could be safer than being together with your abductor, captor, or your “master” helpless and brainwashed. You need the right perspective and steady state of mind.. if you don’t, there will become a false information and make you puke or I dont know either.

The story started from a broken-home high scholar girl, her life living with a whore-boyfriends-issue mom and different-fathers-siblings couldn’t be that worse everyday, she was forbidden by her mom to look like the girls at her age (short-short, printed T-shirt, tank top, colored nails, make up) she had to stay unattractive, plain, and not a whore looks (like her mom), thus made her secretly bring out some fancy and girly outfit on her backpack and changed them when she reached the school, vice versa. 

Her life was about to change when he met her ‘future master’-Caleb, raised and living in poor and dangerous neighborhood made her to be a sweet prey for the human seller, then one day Caleb whom once she thought was her hero for saving herself from a predator, kidnapped her and brought her miles away from home, she found herself at the unfamiliar room, blindfolded, nearly naked, chained on the bed. and there’s someone would be teaching her like a pet how to obey orders from the master, before she would be sold to the Russian billionaire for being his sex slave. 

Almost one-thrid from all chapters of this book were telling about the sex slavery training. but wait… in each chapter we will learn about the individuals on this book, the past of hot-mess-devil abductor Caleb’s life, how he ended up being a abductor and slave trainer, why he had no feeling, why he was the way he was, and why he felt something new and different about this girl? he had been training numbers of girls to be a slave, somehow this new pet was quite distinct, he denied his own true feeling, his dullnes had been rapidly ripped layer by layer, but he still be the way he was, not also that.. the previous live of that girl, her mom, her father, step fathers, how she was treated in home, her siblings, and girlfriend would be revealed on each chapter. 

It was before thing called blurry affection came after. The girl (Livvie), later he stated as kitten felt unusual feeling towards Caleb, later discovered as a Stockholm’s syndrome where the victims grow some affection towards their captors due to condition when they engage the “face to face contact” including abused, raped, disciplined, and “had meals” together. 

Then, she almost lost herself in the safe-arm of Caleb’s, after countless of raping, disciplines and bipolar/unsteady condition of Caleb’s state of mind towards her (I convinced this because of the human side of Caleb was trying to retake its place) she started feeling affection and on the following story where she run away from Caleb (after they having a consent intercourse) with all she was, trying to find a Safe haven in a drug-dealers country, her journey began from one person to another and honestly neither of them could be trusted to bring back Livvie back home but somehow she managed herself well enough until she could contacted her friend (Nicole) telling what happened to her, 

In short, the police and agents tried to look for missing Livvie, with a bloody and dramatic war, the agent could save livvie. But remember the Stockholm’s syndrome she got towards Caleb? it caused her wanting to protect Caleb, it happened when the agent conjured a questions related to her kidnapping and slavery things and whom was the conductor? she barely opened her mouth to utter Caleb’s name.  


For me, I am quite having a comprehension of both point of view, I mean the longer Caleb learnt about Livvie the more bigger connection he got and so did for Livvie, that’s how human beings interacts, right? that’s the reason why every captor and abductor aren’t allowed to inform either of things related to themselves. But Livvie had broken that border and rapidly brought Caleb’s human side back (perhaps in the second book or not at all) and the effect of Stockholm’s syndrome to protect the wrong people are considered as a state of brainwashed, the victims doubt of the world beyond their abused life with the abductor. 

The details of how the training goes was beyond word, we could see how it goes, how it feels and how the both party think when the training session is on the line, disturbing but enjoyable, numbers of private activities are showing openly and a lots of names called, it’s a fiction work and even tough this really happens in somewhere part of our world please be aware, Stockholm’s syndrome isn’t merely condition developed in victims of kidnappings or hostages instances. it also applied to a wider variety situations, like victims of domestic or child abuse, human trafficking, prisoner of war, and once again, THIS BOOK IS NOT FOR A YOUNG ADULT READERS, too much situations where more than open minded needed but I was so happy I read this book.. 

🍀 Have one of you read this book? what’s your impression after reading? this review is based on my impression hehehe, do not forget to press 🌟 and thank you so much for reading… see you in the next chapter of my novel -A Silent Christmas-


Posted in Book, Writing

A Silent Christmas (Chapter 01 part 2)

CHAPTER 01 – The Lauren Bold’s

(part 2)
Jounie, I daubt myself to keep writing in my journal about what happened after that night.. my tears are falling and it got me heartache.. it still unclear to me.. I’m afraid this would just open the wound I’ve abandoned ages ago.. I’m sorry jounie.. I just can’t! 

hey jounie, sorry for what happened before.. well yeah I feel relief after so much crying.. I dunno why, but I feel better and I think I could do this myself! and I have to.. I think I have to, jounie


“what the hell you think you do? slut?” he approached my place,  his expression still at the same

“I’m.. I’m just.. I can’t sleep, Sir” I answered him with my shaky voice, I engulfed my own sob before he got I was in horror. Jounie, you think that 5 and half-year-old girl wouldn’t be so frightened in front of such a devil?

“this’s ADULT BUSINESS! ‘ow dare you tried to get involved? you bitch wanna know all da adult stuff? fuck you pussy!!” I could see his eyes widen and went redder, he slowly and dramatically killed the distance between my room’s door and himself, offering me his terror layer by layer

“‘ow dare you look at my eyes! good for nothing!”

“no Sir, am not”

“don’t answer me! you pussy!! you should’ve learnt ‘ow to behave!”

the sound of sobbing started to echoing the whole room.. and that was me.. terrorized by him calling me names I hardly heard, the only thing I knew, those names weren’t mine! in a matter of second out of blue I felt something hard and burning on my cheek

it was he, slapping me, left a reddish mark on my right cheek, it made my cheek burned 

“shut your mouth down or I’ll do myself”

“ye.. ye… yes… Si… Sir! the unstoppable sobbing filling the air it’s a painful burnt and no one batted an eyelashes even the woman I called mom, those people started also to push me, together with him

“you shouldn’t do that, Lauren” finger pointed a short-ugly-early-40ies-man with bad eyes, and I heard the rest people joined him to chatter, no! more like jugde me under the nose

“I’m.. I’m.. so..” I couldn’t even able to finish my word before another burnt spike landed on my cheek

“SHUT up! so fucking just like your mom! good for nothing!”

“I’m.. I’m..” I was statued and felt like thunderbolt hit me at the center of my head

“shut you fucking mouth! I don’t wanna hear any sound coming from you ugly lips! back to your room and keep silence! if you refuse to follow my order no tomorrow for you!”


see, jounie! how could I wrote those without feeling so emotional right now? I still wanna believe that night never happened, but it did! the following days were like nothing happens at the night before.. that person still treat me like a rat, and even the mowan I called mom wasn’t dare to come closer to me

that happened several days before Christmas, the night when the kids supposed to receive their Christmas presents and kisses and a full cup of choco eggnog..

and me was still in my room, holding my another favorite book “Franklin the turtle” my eyes puffed and my cheeks burnt, my body was still in shocked and I was alone.. no one came to knock at my door, asking how do I feel, no one told me what did I do so wrong, no one even patted my scalp to comfort me.. no one, no one.. for a kindergarten kid knew that she was all alone and hurt was beyond my adult imagination

things on Christmas of hers wasn’t change to the better, it was just going worse as time went by, she slept right now, exhausted and drained of what just happened, her cheeks turned burned red but it couldn’t ruin her lovely-sweet face, I was happy at this moment she didn’t get any idea what kind of future she would be faced..

To be continued 

My, my… Chapter 01 is done!! What do you think guys? Too intense?  Do not forget to press 🌟 and 💬, then let’s see how Lauren will survive! It’s just getting exciting.. thank you so much for reading 😉😁